“What goes up must come down.”

Mania causes people with bipolar illness to climb higher and higher and then crash like a wave rolling into the shore.

-TROY STEVEN

It’s been years that I went up and down through this roller coaster of a Bipolar disorder not realizing what I was going through. I was a university student, so I had to manage all the tasks that came up with a university degree, all the assignments, the projects, the quizzes, the daily hustles of attending lectures, interacting with bulk of people. All of this does not seem challenging if you are a normal functioning individual. But with extreme mood swings that interferes with your daily functioning and make you seem like a psychopath to people around you is something uncommon. One day you are above the clouds, you are dealing with stuff so well that makes you a perfectionist in everything that you do. And on other days you feel like you fell into a deep ditch and there’s no way you can come out of it. The helplessness, the lack of energy, the crying spells, the feeling of worthlessness, seeing no future make you want to end your life instantly as you no longer see any purpose in it. Living with these two extremes and hiding it from the people and pretending to be a normal working individual was not an easy thing. People around you do not realize your suffering just because you are performing well, you are getting good grades, that’s the only common criteria to judge somebody’s life quality. The anxiety, the periods of panic attacks, the distress, being insomniac, your abrupt variation in mood, everything goes unnoticed just because you are so well at hiding these. Long story short, here’s my success story of surviving bipolar disorder, discussing a few factors that are important and helped me manage my condition so well that now I’m able to call it a success story.

Few Years Forward

Today is a good day, i am happy and feel much better, years ago things were worst, I couldn’t imagine that I’ll be functioning normally like the rest. I feel blessed and contented, I can think about all that I am blessed with and thank Almighty. I remember when things were out of control, surviving a day was the biggest hurdle for me, not being able to think clearly, having delusions, negative thoughts, irritability, being physically and mentally weak, spending whole day locked in one room out of fear, anxious and tired, not seeing any future, instantly wanting the world to end and justice be served, not able to even open my eyes because of the extreme drowsiness, experiencing what extreme depression felt like after a severe maniac phase, wished to be dead as I no longer could fight my own self. I couldn’t spend time with my dear ones, depression made me distant myself from everyone. Not turning off the light at night as I was too afraid that I’ll be again seeing people as I did when I was hallucinating being maniac, when my reality contact was not intact, I felt everything was imaginary in my life, everything, my friends, family, during the recovery phase I kept asking my family what was real or what was not. Being busy in religious activities obsessively was the only thing I was doing attentively but my health would even deteriorate further instead of improving, as I was doing it out of death anxiety or fear of black magic or evil eye. I was called for a job interview, which got worse, the worst of my all interviews, highly anxious, dry mouth, hands, and feet trembling, even the panel noticed and ended the interview earlier. I didn’t tell my family except my sister and some friends but not the details of it. It was so hard to meet and greet people, hiding my condition from my extended family was another hard task, I would pretend to be normal while in real wanting them to go home soon. Being in therapy was not an easy thing, I mainly relied on medication, as I once heard a psychologist saying that to feel the sunshine you must climb up from a ditch to the normal path, so here medication play their role in stabilizing the functioning of neurotransmitters so that a person can benefit from a therapy which needs mutual coordination between a therapist and the client.

The journey of recovery was not easy, it took me years to realize that yes, I can be myself again, I can feel the sunshine the way everyone feel it daily without much effort. I once again climbed up the mountain and travelled the normal path with support of the people around me. Yes, social support is the key element in recovery adding to medications and therapy. Be it family, teacher or friends, the support that they provide is one of the top factors that can help a person believe in him or herself, I got that with God’s help. But first believing in your therapist is a key factor in recovery, opening up to someone, sharing your worst memories is not an easy thing, but you have to believe and trust your therapist, they are your secret keepers, and they genuinely aim for your recovery. So I trusted my therapist and shared what kept on bothering me all this time. Mutually discussing and finding out the precursors helped me cope up with life stressors. In addition to that, my friends would come and take me for rides, I felt at ease with them, I didn’t have to pretend around them, they knew I wasn’t myself for a long time. We would go and eat our favorite food, take pictures, and make memories together, their home is my second home. Another friend was my other therapist, she genuinely understood and explained things to me the way a professional would do, I would call her any time and every time she would affirm that yes being through all that, recovery is possible, she would discuss genuine cases of depression with me and how they recovered, that would give me hope, a lot of hope. My teacher, my mentor, she would always respond to my queries even being so far and busy, her support meant a lot, as she was one of the few people whom I trusted, with whom i would share what i wanted to any time, i remember I wanted to refuse a job opportunity as I thought I cannot fulfill the duties well, but her analysis of the situation, and genuine advice guided me to take the opportunity which later on turned out to be helpful in coming out of depression as staying busy in productive work is another significant factor that help in managing mental health issues. Genuine advice from a friend in taking up work opportunities really helped in looking at things from a different perspective. My family was genuinely concerned for my health this time, their concern and support meant a lot, they would take me for therapy even though I hated to travel, it would take a lot of energy to wait in traffic, they would keep check on my medication, they would take me to different travel sights so that I can enjoy.

Just praying five times a day and not thinking too much about the eternal life and justice day brought much ease and lifted the pressure I felt, I know sometimes people become more religious as they are being told that God is unhappy with them, which is why they are going through hard times, this is not the situation, God is kind and loves us the most. Our Prophet SAW went through depression and anxiety, and he recovered with God’s help and family’s support.

Starting a career and getting busy really helped me become a functioning individual again. I can now think clearly and can plan things. I still struggle sometimes with my mood, getting anxious over deadlines is not uncommon, but getting professional help instantly is what I’ve learned. Talking about what you go through let you relieve your symptoms. Even if you are not being very productive, surviving a day and being thankful for your health and support around you is what you need the most. I am on medication for my mental health just like how a diabetic or blood pressure patient must be on his/her medication. Taking antipsychotics for life survival is completely normal. Getting out of depression, dealing with mania, any mental health issue is possible with all that I stated. It is indeed difficult but not impossible. But one of the key factors is your own motivation. Yes, if you are not willing to help yourself, no one can do that for you, not your therapist, not your family, not your friends, all their efforts will go in vain, if you are not ready for the change. So, be the change and create an impact with your own success story. Reach out for help, you should be first in your priorities list. Mental health is equally important. And important for all.

Don’t be ashamed of your story.

It will inspire others!

-By AI